I feel relentless in my persuit of all things. It does not matter what those things are. I'm happy and carefree. I'm so elated that I can't even tell what I will say or do next. I do not need sleep. The euphoria ticks away in my brain like a bomb because I know that the awesomeness cannot last and will, most likely, blow up in my own face. I skip through moments like a child picking dandilions on a warm, summer day. I am thrilled over anything and everything.
I look at you. I can see all the wonderful things about you. I can laugh without abandon at everything you say. I can get lost in your eyes just by sharing a smile over spaghetti. I can find the humor in you making popcorn in your sock feet. I can be attracted to even the slightest image of you trying to be good to me. I can openly marvel at our ability to remain a united front...a force against the rest of the world. I can appreciate your concern when I talk way too fast. I understand when I see your smile fade as I drop the groceries on the floor.
I cannot get out of bed. The world appears dark and grey. Even though I am only in one room, I feel that the weight of the world is bearing down on me. My limbs feel cumbersome and immobile. There is a huge, black, brick wall blocking my path. I cannot get around it. I cannot climb over it. I cannot see beyond it. I am sad. I am angry. I hate myself. I hate you.
I cannot look at you. In your eyes, all I see is eager disappointment and pure fatigue. I feel that I'm the one thing in your life that you wish could be different. I know you see me as the worst decision that you've ever made. I want it all to be over. I want to go back in time and prevent you from making that horrible mistake. I am sad that I don't have control over us. I want to run away from the pain that you make me feel.