What I want...

What do I really want?  I walk through life not being able to answer that question, among others, but then expect myself to be goal oriented.  No wonder I really don't have any hobbies or anything for which that I "live."  When I ask myself that question, I notice that I try to answer it in parts.  First and foremost part?  I want to be happy.  Wow...can that answer be anymore vague?  After reaching that conclusion, I have to say - What would make me happy?  That's difficult too because you really never know what decisions will lead to what consequences.

So, what would make me happy?  Logically, without changing too much reality, I could be happy with spatterings of the following:

• An exercise buddy that would be interested in exercises that I can do.
• A flirtatious husband that prefers flirting with me over anyone else.
• Friends that text me just because.
• Chocolate.
• A husband that remembers that I can't handle raised voices, yet is comfortable expressing himself in other ways.
• An animal that makes me feel needed.
• A weekend out of town every 6 months.
• The color pink in different shades.
• Music being played as a background of my life...Foo Fighters, The Counting Crows, Kings of Leon, etc.
• Small adventures every month...wine tasting, breweries, bowling somewhere new, driving somewhere far, etc.
• Professional nail services so I wouldn't have to contort myself in odd positions while applying polish.
• Good memories popping up more often than bad.
• Going to the movies by myself because sometimes I'm the only one that wants to see it and that's okay with me!
• Liev Schreiber...topless.
• Knowing that I try really hard everyday and sometimes with nothing to show for it.
• Sugarless chewing gum.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I read about a girl who always felt like she was looking at herself from outside her body.  I've only felt this way once in my life when I was having my wisdom teeth taken out at the age of 12.  I found myself floating above my body in the dental chair and remember being completely surprised at how handsome I was...even as a child.  The girl in the story continually felt that she was watching herself and that's one way she was aware that she was mentally ill.  I wish it had been that easy for me. 

The "handsome" in me has completely disappeared.  Sometimes, when I am getting ready for work, I catch a glimpse of that younger, more attractive guy peeking out from behind the shirt and tie.  He does not stay very long as if he too is afraid at everything he might see.  The more prominent me trudges through life and is usually what I see in the mirror.  Exhaustive nights at college studying and partying, long nights unloading trucks, bad relationships and friendships, prescription drugs, etc. have drained me of my energy, looks and mental stability. 

I have lived my life as if I'm going somewhere and something that I'm going to do will develop into something important, but this has yet to happen.  So, in order to keep going, I'm learning to lower my expectations of myself.  I never seem to develop my ideas into actions.  I've tried home ownership, bicycle restoration, raising a pure bred Coon hound (she died a couple of years ago) and even website development. 

I come from a hard working, educated family that understands very little of how I struggle.  My wife knows a bit more, but always gets this blank stare after she asks me how I'm feeling.  Why even bother?  Now, in my mid-thirties, I have become an overweight shell of a person just trying to survive and catch images of positivity in the world because I can't seem to create any on my own.  Through years of muddling along what's become multiple series of physical and mental health visits with people that, are doing their best, but have yet to understand that the human body does not operate on an appointed basis...I mean, how many folks do you know that have made it to their doctor's appointment with no more symptoms?

As I sit here, I remember the scene in Office Space where Tom's wife finds him in his garage.  She rolls her eyes at his stupid excuse and completely ignores any possibility that he was in the garage on purpose.  While in the planning stages, I thought of this often...Tom's wife.  I will soon never have to see the look of worry, concern and misunderstanding from my wife.  Do not despair though: I have crossed all my "T's," etc.  I'm in a bad motel that is not a stranger to a random dead body.  Maybe I'll feel like I'm floating outside my body when I go.         

Together Again in a Dream

I was surprised that we were together again...right back where we were 16 years ago.  I was lying completely naked on your bedroom floor wondering when your mother was gonna walk in on us, but not feeling as mortified as I would have thought. 

You sat on your bed, trying to coax me back into your arms.  Those arms.  Very different than what they had used to be.  When we met, you were a skinny kid with shoulder length hair.  I was drawn to you because of your jokes, smile and constant attention.  Now that same attention makes me nervous and confused.  That confusion is forcing me to leave.  You've turned into a man.  You've gotten taller than me, cut your hair and developed muscles that have snuck up on you somehow.  I like it and can't handle it at the same time. 

We've both grown up.  We're not the same kids we were four years ago that met in the school yard.  You have wishes, desires and opinions that are of much more importance than my own.  I feel small and ashamed in the wake of your control over others...parents, siblings, friends and strangers.  It's clear to me when we are among others that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  You call others honey, too...it's not just for me and I'm confused even more.  You do deserve better than everything in which you've settled.        

I smiled from across the room wondering why I was undressed on your mother's white carpet.  White.  The rule was no shoes.  Why did she choose white?  Beautiful, true, but so dangerous.  Just like you as we have gotten older.  I am terrified to disappoint you and know that I already have because I've disappointed myself. 

You've turned into everything that I now know that I can no longer hold onto...strong, sexy and sensitive.  It's much more intimacy then I bargained for and I'm just not ready.  It's a pattern that even I don't know will follow for years to come.  Your hopes hanging in the air around us are currently too much for me.  I will let you down.  I know you will not understand, but I will decide to do that now instead of later.

For one last time, I'll come to you and promise myself that I'm doing the right thing for you because I matter much less than you.         

Just a Dream

I took the stairs up to the third level and found the bathroom always as it had been.  Gran had always been eccentric, but I never understood why she liked to sleep in the bath tub.  I know it's not comfortable.  Maybe it makes her feel secure and safe.  Sure enough, a quilt was placed ever so gently and arranged ever so meticulously around the porcelain. 

I stood their wondering why she had decided on this tub instead of the other.  Obviously, she'd have to bathe in one, but how did she choose?  Was it the floor of the house?  Was it the plumbing?  Was it a reason that was beyond my comprehension?  I knew for sure that I would never find out.  I was not one to ask many questions, especially to Gran.  She and I have a great deal in common and the inability to be honest with ourselves is one of them.  It's just too difficult to say certain things out loud.  I imagined why she sleeps in the tub would be one of those things.  I had heard of people drying their clothes in the bathroom.  I had heard of dogs looking for shelter in a tub when they were sick or afraid.  I hadn't heard of people using a bath tub for a bed unless they were sick and too worn out to kneel at the toilet.

Upon greater inspection, I realized the quilt was not so meticulously placed as I had first thought.  There were three little bumps slightly linked to a larger lump underneath the fabric.  I slowly walked to the tub's edge and adjusted the blanket, but discovered that the lumps did not dissipate.  I sat on the edge of the tub contemplating my next move.  Why do I even care?

I decided not to give it a second thought and go find the others downstairs.  Having previously tried to escape the fluttering relatives, I was suddenly looking forward to the distraction.  I abruptly turned my seated self and accidently tugged on the quilt.  It slid this way and that as I rushed for the bathroom door.  I hurried down my grandmother's outdoor carpeted stairs afraid to look behind me.  As I reached the bottom and turned to enter the back hallway that led to the kitchen, I saw four furry beings following me close behind.  I stopped and laughed at myself for being so fearful of such sweet creatures. 

The largest possum sat down on the last step as I laughed and peered at me through her confusion.  Her three possum babies stopped short behind her and waited for their next instruction.  I reached over and put my hand palm up on the step next to the first baby.  He was sitting closest to the possum mother and also to me.  He sniffed me and blinked.  I smiled at the possum family one more time.  I then popped awake, wondering what it had all meant. 

The Way in Which To Go

I'm bored.  I know that I'm not worth it, but I'd like more attention.  I could have an affair, dye my hair, lose some weight or just act like I don't give a shit.  Either and all might work.  For the following year, I probably will try most, if not all, of those.  I'll continue to struggle throughout this process and be disappointed in myself for sure and possibly in you. 

When we get into the meat of the issues, you often ask me what I want.  I say that I don't know, but in reality, I don't want to have to be honest with you.  I know it'll only hurt your feelings and we'll be right back we are...nowhere.  I'll be honest with you, you'll tear up, you'll apologize and nothing will change.  I just want to be more important than your favorite thing.  However, if that were possible, it would definitely not be your favorite thing.  I would be your favorite thing...your addiction. 

I go through life feeling like I've got these expectations to live up to from everyone else, when I am often let down by those that I'm supposed to be closest to...you.  Plan of action?  I'll continue to do what I've been doing for the last year (at least).  I'll live my life...day to day, trying to figure out a way to make things better for me.  Trying to figure out a way to prevent my sense of self from being crushed under the weight of this relationship. 

I'm still surprised that after only a few years, I'm trying to decide the way in which I should go.  Luckily for you, I am desperate for you...you alone. 

Without Lithium

I feel relentless in my persuit of all things.  It does not matter what those things are.  I'm happy and carefree.  I'm so elated that I can't even tell what I will say or do next.  I do not need sleep.  The euphoria ticks away in my brain like a bomb because I know that the awesomeness cannot last and will, most likely, blow up in my own face.  I skip through moments like a child picking dandilions on a warm, summer day.  I am thrilled over anything and everything.

I look at you.  I can see all the wonderful things about you.  I can laugh without abandon at everything you say.  I can get lost in your eyes just by sharing a smile over spaghetti.  I can find the humor in you making popcorn in your sock feet.  I can be attracted to even the slightest image of you trying to be good to me.  I can openly marvel at our ability to remain a united front...a force against the rest of the world.  I can appreciate your concern when I talk way too fast.  I understand when I see your smile fade as I drop the groceries on the floor. 

I cannot get out of bed.  The world appears dark and grey.  Even though I am only in one room, I feel that the weight of the world is bearing down on me.  My limbs feel cumbersome and immobile.  There is a huge, black, brick wall blocking my path.  I cannot get around it.  I cannot climb over it.  I cannot see beyond it.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I hate myself.  I hate you.

I cannot look at you.  In your eyes, all I see is eager disappointment and pure fatigue.  I feel that I'm the one thing in your life that you wish could be different.  I know you see me as the worst decision that you've ever made.  I want it all to be over.  I want to go back in time and prevent you from making that horrible mistake.  I am sad that I don't have control over us.  I want to run away from the pain that you make me feel.                       

I Live For You

I pulled my car into the parking space in front of our apartment and realized something about myself.  You are what I live for...not anything else. 

I've never been very goal oriented.  I was listed as undecided for a semester of college and my parents were pleasantly surprised when I graduated...especially on time.  I've never had much of a clue of what I wanted to do with my life.  I never had objectives regarding any of the relationships that I've had. 

I've meandered from relationship to relationship looking for the one in particular that would complete me.  I still haven't found it, but I've never been happier with you by my side.

Do you remember when we first met? It was a hot summer day. The North Carolina sun was beating down on us with a vengeance. You were hot and tired. You collapsed at my feet and I knew we'd be together for the rest of your life. Even then, you were dramatic and acting as though you'd be handed an Oscar at any moment...some things never change.


I think about everything that we've done together and can't help but smile.  The parties and barbecues where we've made appearances, the classes we've taught, and even the birthdays we celebrated...it's all been memorable because of you. 

I don't know what the future holds for us.  I know that I've made a lot of mistakes in our lives, but I also know that you'll never want for anything, I'll always be there for you, and you'll always be my baby. 

We've allowed others to join our family, but it'll always just be you and me.  I live for you, Grace.