I was surprised that we were together again...right back where we were 16 years ago. I was lying completely naked on your bedroom floor wondering when your mother was gonna walk in on us, but not feeling as mortified as I would have thought.
You sat on your bed, trying to coax me back into your arms. Those arms. Very different than what they had used to be. When we met, you were a skinny kid with shoulder length hair. I was drawn to you because of your jokes, smile and constant attention. Now that same attention makes me nervous and confused. That confusion is forcing me to leave. You've turned into a man. You've gotten taller than me, cut your hair and developed muscles that have snuck up on you somehow. I like it and can't handle it at the same time.
We've both grown up. We're not the same kids we were four years ago that met in the school yard. You have wishes, desires and opinions that are of much more importance than my own. I feel small and ashamed in the wake of your control over others...parents, siblings, friends and strangers. It's clear to me when we are among others that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. You call others honey, too...it's not just for me and I'm confused even more. You do deserve better than everything in which you've settled.
I smiled from across the room wondering why I was undressed on your mother's white carpet. White. The rule was no shoes. Why did she choose white? Beautiful, true, but so dangerous. Just like you as we have gotten older. I am terrified to disappoint you and know that I already have because I've disappointed myself.
You've turned into everything that I now know that I can no longer hold onto...strong, sexy and sensitive. It's much more intimacy then I bargained for and I'm just not ready. It's a pattern that even I don't know will follow for years to come. Your hopes hanging in the air around us are currently too much for me. I will let you down. I know you will not understand, but I will decide to do that now instead of later.
For one last time, I'll come to you and promise myself that I'm doing the right thing for you because I matter much less than you.