Friday, January 10, 2014

What I want...

What do I really want?  I walk through life not being able to answer that question, among others, but then expect myself to be goal oriented.  No wonder I really don't have any hobbies or anything for which that I "live."  When I ask myself that question, I notice that I try to answer it in parts.  First and foremost part?  I want to be happy.  Wow...can that answer be anymore vague?  After reaching that conclusion, I have to say - What would make me happy?  That's difficult too because you really never know what decisions will lead to what consequences.

So, what would make me happy?  Logically, without changing too much reality, I could be happy with spatterings of the following:
  • An exercise buddy that would be interested in exercises that I can do.
  • A flirtatious husband that prefers flirting with me over anyone else.
  • Friends that text me just because.
  • Chocolate.
  • A husband that remembers that I can't handle raised voices, yet is comfortable expressing himself in other ways.
  • An animal that makes me feel needed.
  • A weekend out of town every 6 months.
  • The color pink in different shades.
  • Music being played as a background of my life...Foo Fighters, The Counting Crows, Kings of Leon, etc.
  • Small adventures every tasting, breweries, bowling somewhere new, driving somewhere far, etc.
  • Professional nail services so I wouldn't have to contort myself in odd positions while applying polish.
  • Good memories popping up more often than bad.
  • Going to the movies by myself because sometimes I'm the only one that wants to see it and that's okay with me!
  • Liev Schreiber...topless.
  • Knowing that I try really hard everyday and sometimes with nothing to show for it.
  • Sugarless chewing gum.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I read about a girl who always felt like she was looking at herself from outside her body.  I've only felt this way once in my life when I was having my wisdom teeth taken out at the age of 12.  I found myself floating above my body in the dental chair and remember being completely surprised at how handsome I was...even as a child.  The girl in the story continually felt that she was watching herself and that's one way she was aware that she was mentally ill.  I wish it had been that easy for me. 

The "handsome" in me has completely disappeared.  Sometimes, when I am getting ready for work, I catch a glimpse of that younger, more attractive guy peeking out from behind the shirt and tie.  He does not stay very long as if he too is afraid at everything he might see.  The more prominent me trudges through life and is usually what I see in the mirror.  Exhaustive nights at college studying and partying, long nights unloading trucks, bad relationships and friendships, prescription drugs, etc. have drained me of my energy, looks and mental stability. 

I have lived my life as if I'm going somewhere and something that I'm going to do will develop into something important, but this has yet to happen.  So, in order to keep going, I'm learning to lower my expectations of myself.  I never seem to develop my ideas into actions.  I've tried home ownership, bicycle restoration, raising a pure bred Coon hound (she died a couple of years ago) and even website development. 

I come from a hard working, educated family that understands very little of how I struggle.  My wife knows a bit more, but always gets this blank stare after she asks me how I'm feeling.  Why even bother?  Now, in my mid-thirties, I have become an overweight shell of a person just trying to survive and catch images of positivity in the world because I can't seem to create any on my own.  Through years of muddling along what's become multiple series of physical and mental health visits with people that, are doing their best, but have yet to understand that the human body does not operate on an appointed basis...I mean, how many folks do you know that have made it to their doctor's appointment with no more symptoms?

As I sit here, I remember the scene in Office Space where Tom's wife finds him in his garage.  She rolls her eyes at his stupid excuse and completely ignores any possibility that he was in the garage on purpose.  While in the planning stages, I thought of this often...Tom's wife.  I will soon never have to see the look of worry, concern and misunderstanding from my wife.  Do not despair though: I have crossed all my "T's," etc.  I'm in a bad motel that is not a stranger to a random dead body.  Maybe I'll feel like I'm floating outside my body when I go.