Monday, August 9, 2010

All Because of You

I woke up today and was reminded of all that I've done wrong by the disappointment in your eyes. It's okay…really it is. I live with this very, mentioned disappointment every day. When I open my own eyes, I realize the same disaster that has become my life…the mistake that I've become. I don't know when I began to wonder if I was a setback for you. There was the realization of that fact and now I've gotten to the point that I just don't care.

I think about what I've given up for your happiness and want to go back and do it all over again. I want to go back before I put you before me, but then I wonder if I ever put myself first. I've always wanted to and have always had that objective, to put myself first in at least one scenario, but I fail at even the simplest of tasks.

The physical pain isn't what pushes me over the edge. I know that very few people can even relate to that…especially not you. At least the pain reminds me that I'm still alive. I understand that I should be grateful. Things could definitely be worse. I could already be crippled. I could already be completely done. If that were true, I would no longer have to work so hard at just living. I wouldn't have to rediscover my own defeat by looking at you every day.

Some days, I am filled with my own sense of self worth and drive to be everything to everyone (best wife, best teacher, best pet owner), but most days I am relentlessly aggravated by my own inability to live up to even the lowest of standards. As the days grow into one another, this pattern continues…my standards lower and yet I can't bring myself to live up to them.

So, I continue to fantasize about how to get myself out of this mess that I consider my life. It's my own fault, I know, but the coward in me looks for others to blame. I'd like to blame you. Overall, I feel as though my options are few. I could run away, leaving you, everyone and everything else behind. I could end it all, but the guilt behind this option sinks in and makes me feel even worse than I already do. So, I know I'll stay and try to make the best of it because I'm afraid of confrontation and I'm just plain lazy.

Do you ever notice how different I have become? How I have no desire to talk with random strangers anymore? How I don't want to hear everyone's life story? I'm not the person you fell in love with and there's no going back.

I walk alone in all this. You tend to think I'm just being dramatic, when to me this life has become as painful and pointless as brushing a decayed tooth. So, I continue to push on, faking every day as though my life depends on it, which, in a way, I guess it does.

1 comment:

  1. I think forgiveness is a difficult matter often ignored in our culture. How do we forgive ourselves and others? How do we atone for the mistakes of our youth?