Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Way in Which To Go

I'm bored.  I know that I'm not worth it, but I'd like more attention.  I could have an affair, dye my hair, lose some weight or just act like I don't give a shit.  Either and all might work.  For the following year, I probably will try most, if not all, of those.  I'll continue to struggle throughout this process and be disappointed in myself for sure and possibly in you. 

When we get into the meat of the issues, you often ask me what I want.  I say that I don't know, but in reality, I don't want to have to be honest with you.  I know it'll only hurt your feelings and we'll be right back we are...nowhere.  I'll be honest with you, you'll tear up, you'll apologize and nothing will change.  I just want to be more important than your favorite thing.  However, if that were possible, it would definitely not be your favorite thing.  I would be your favorite thing...your addiction. 

I go through life feeling like I've got these expectations to live up to from everyone else, when I am often let down by those that I'm supposed to be closest  Plan of action?  I'll continue to do what I've been doing for the last year (at least).  I'll live my to day, trying to figure out a way to make things better for me.  Trying to figure out a way to prevent my sense of self from being crushed under the weight of this relationship. 

I'm still surprised that after only a few years, I'm trying to decide the way in which I should go.  Luckily for you, I am desperate for alone. 

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