Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Without Lithium

I feel relentless in my persuit of all things.  It does not matter what those things are.  I'm happy and carefree.  I'm so elated that I can't even tell what I will say or do next.  I do not need sleep.  The euphoria ticks away in my brain like a bomb because I know that the awesomeness cannot last and will, most likely, blow up in my own face.  I skip through moments like a child picking dandilions on a warm, summer day.  I am thrilled over anything and everything.

I look at you.  I can see all the wonderful things about you.  I can laugh without abandon at everything you say.  I can get lost in your eyes just by sharing a smile over spaghetti.  I can find the humor in you making popcorn in your sock feet.  I can be attracted to even the slightest image of you trying to be good to me.  I can openly marvel at our ability to remain a united front...a force against the rest of the world.  I can appreciate your concern when I talk way too fast.  I understand when I see your smile fade as I drop the groceries on the floor. 

I cannot get out of bed.  The world appears dark and grey.  Even though I am only in one room, I feel that the weight of the world is bearing down on me.  My limbs feel cumbersome and immobile.  There is a huge, black, brick wall blocking my path.  I cannot get around it.  I cannot climb over it.  I cannot see beyond it.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I hate myself.  I hate you.

I cannot look at you.  In your eyes, all I see is eager disappointment and pure fatigue.  I feel that I'm the one thing in your life that you wish could be different.  I know you see me as the worst decision that you've ever made.  I want it all to be over.  I want to go back in time and prevent you from making that horrible mistake.  I am sad that I don't have control over us.  I want to run away from the pain that you make me feel.                       

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